Wake Etiquette

There’s nothing that saddens me more than saying good-bye to a family member, an old friend, or a friend’s family member. Over the course of my life, I’ve been to many wakes and funerals. . .too numerous to count, and as I’ve gotten older, the frequency of my visits to funeral homes and cemeteries has increased year after year. 

Sometimes, I can go for weeks without attending a service, and then I’ll encounter a week where I need to attend four or five of them.

I say “need” for a reason. As an American of Italian descent growing up at the Jersey Shore, I had always heard the number one rule from members of my family about wakes and funerals; that is, when you go to a wake or funeral, you’re not necessarily going to pray for the person who died, but to provide consolation to the family of the deceased. 

For me, this holds true, even today. Over the course of my life, I’ve acquired many friends. Sooner or later, they all experience the pain of losing a loved one, or pass away themselves. It’s up to us as friends and human beings to provide solace, either to them or their families, in their hour of need. It’s times like these when friends truly need to lean on one another the most. 

Another rule I’ve learned about wakes and funerals can also be applied to life in general as well, and that is “it’s not all about you”. Check your ego at the funeral home front door. If you go to a wake just to glad-hand people or to get an ego-boost by being seen by other people rather than going there to be sincere and comforting to those affected by the loss of a loved one, then stay home and don’t bother going at all. 

Another rule is to always sign the book. Although families are grieving, they are always appreciative of the support every person gave to them during their period of loss. To me, signing the book validates this commitment to those grieving that you are there for them, and serves as a reminder for them as to who to thank for being there after all is said and done. 

But there is a caveat to this rule. If you’re signing the book just to show people you were there, then refer to the last rule I mentioned and don’t bother showing up. 

Another rule is don’t look through the book after you’ve signed it. To get to the book just to see who was here before you is just plain tacky. Again, don’t bother showing up. 

Unless you’re family, try to stay at a wake no longer than 5-10 minutes. This way, it gives others a chance to talk with the deceased’s surviving family. 

I follow these rules all the time, and when I do, I always get the sense that those left behind are appreciative of my being there for them. That’s how all of us should feel. It’s part of being human. 

(The entire Jersey Shore Retro Blogography can be found at http://longbranch.patch.com/blogs/kevin-cieris-blog .You can also follow Kevin Cieri's blog on his Facebook page, "Jersey Shore Retro" as well as on Twitter @jsretro).